Baby Steps
by ToxicTopaz
Summary: "He'd been trying to get into Jake Puckerman's head all year, and he'd finally done it." Ryder finds Jake's blade. Cutter!Jake Warnings: Mentions of cutting, self-harm, triggers, depression, a bit of an anxiety attack, molestation, parental abuse. Rated T for these reasons.


**~Obscenely long A/N: Okay, so I wanted to give Jake a deep, personal backstory that would make sense for someone with his characteristics, and I figured having a sad backstory and cutting himself would be great for him, because he's so quiet and reserved, and he has all these walls, y'know? Not to mention he kinda grew up on the wrong side of the tracks and gets bullied for his race all the time. I also wanted a backstory that gave Ryder a way to relate with him. I figured that molestation would be perfect, because that could be the ****_reason _****for the cutting- especially since before Ryder's storyline I already had a headcanon that Mr. Puckerman had a knack for hitting and inappropriate touching. My headcanon was originally about Puck, but when Jake came along I figured he was an even better candidate. So I gave it a go! I hope you guys enjoy~!**

**Title: Baby Steps**

**Chapter title (if I decide to continue this): And He Always Looked Like He was About to Cry**

**Summary: "He'd been trying to get into Jake Puckerman's head all year, and he'd finally done it." Ryder finds Jake's blade. Cutter!Jake**

**Words: 1,938**

**Warnings: Mentions of cutting, self-harm, triggers, depression, a bit of an anxiety attack, molestation, parental abuse, physical abuse, domestic violence, child abuse, child molestation**

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_"Listen, dude, I'm gonna go to the bathroom."_  
Ryder had never imagined that those words would take him here. He stared at the blade in his hands. This was no ordinary razor- it was PSD blade, and Ryder _knew _what that meant.

_Jake was cutting._ There was no other explanation to why he would have a bloodstained PSD blade sitting on his bathroom sink- but _why?_ Why would Jake be slitting his wrists? He had it so easy- or at least, that's what Ryder thought. He rubbed a thumb on the razor, eyes widening. It was _warm-_ Jake had used it recently. He lifted the blade carefully with his hands and brought it out of the bathroom.  
"Jake...what _is _this?" he asked as he exited the bathroom, voice low as he looks around to make sure no one else is listening and looks at his friend with an expression of concern. "Are you a… _cutter?"_ Jake's eyes widened, all the color draining from his face as he saw Ryder holding up the blade. He shook his head fiercely,

"No- dude, where did you get that? That's not mine!" He lied. Ryder looked at him in disbelief- he wanted to believe him, he really did- but how could he? He'd just found a _blade_ in his bathroom, he couldn't just let that go. So, he said the first thing that came to mind.

_"Show me your wrists," _he demanded. Maybe it was a weird request, but he had to know if Jake was hurting himself. Jake shook his head again.

"I don't have to prove anything to you, Ryder, _I'm not cutting myself!"_ he snapped, turning his attention away from Ryder, looking down at the floor, his hear racing. Ryder couldn't find out- he just _couldn't._ Ryder really wished he could believe Jake, but he just wasn't buying it. He _knew _ that look in Jake's eyes- he was hiding something. It was the same look he got whenever he talked about the catfisher.

"Jake, there's something not right about this." It was true. There was something that made him uneasy, and Ryder wanted to get to the bottom of it. "But it's okay. I can just let Marley deal with it- or Puck." Freezing a bit, Jake stared him in the eyes fiercely.

"Don't you _dare _tell Puck," he said with desperation. "No matter what. I swear, dude, I'll... I'll never speak to you again."

"Dude, you know I wouldn't do that," Ryder assured. "Just...just tell me what's going on..." Jake whimpered slightly.

"Ryder, _stop it._ Nothing's going on, _I'm not cutting myself!"_ he shouted, running a hand over his face with a shaky breath as he turned to leave the room. Ryder panicked slightly seeing Jake about to leave. He _had_ to help him. He couldn't just let him leave- what if he cut himself again? So he did the first thing that came to mind, and grabbed Jake by the left hand.

"Pull up your sleeve or I'll do it- this isn't a _fucking joke,_ Jake." Jake's eyes widened and he pulled his hand out of Ryder's grasp.

"Leave me the fuck alone!" he shouted, pushing Ryder away- but Ryder wouldn't have any of it, and, being true to his word, he caught Jake's hand again and lifted up his left sleeve, eyes widening at the sight of it- scars of all different shapes and sizes were running up and down, all over Jake's arm. He turned away quickly, unable to bear the sight of it for more than a few seconds.

_"Why?"_ he asked quietly. Jake let out a shaky breath, hurriedly pulling his sleeve back down. He slid down against the wall, sitting on the floor, blinking back tears. He couldn't look at Ryder, he didn't want to see the look of pity or sympathy or disappointment on his face.

_"Just...Just go," _he breathed out. Ryder looked back down at Jake, his eyebrows lifting in sympathy as he sat down across from him.

"Hey, it's okay Jake- I won't tell anyone, okay?" If Jake had asked him to go a week ago, he would have just left like he asked him to, and let him cool down- but now he _couldn't_ leave, not when he knew Jake might hurt himself if he did. "You don't have to tell me why- but know that I'm here for you, okay?" Jake let out a choked sob, finally looking up at Ryder.

"I..." he took a shaky breath. "There are a few reasons," He whispered. "No one else knows about it and… I don't want to dump all of this on you- and I know that you probably don't even really care. No one does." Ryder's heart broke at the sight of Jake crying like that- so desperate and sad. His eyes widened with hurt when Jake said that.

"Jake, I_ do_ care- a _lot_ of people would care." Without thinking, he wrapped his arms around Jake and hugged him tightly. To his surprise, Jake hugged back, even leaning his cheek on his shoulder. "You can tell me anything, you know that...and I'll always care..." he pulled away from the hug after a few moments, giving his friend a sad smile. Jake wiped his eyes when Ryder pulled away, sniffling slightly. He bit his lip and closed his eyes as he tried to collect his thoughts.

"I never really saw my dad much when I was growing up," he started, in a quiet voice, looking down at the ground as if he couldn't look Ryder in the eyes. "But when I did, he was drunk. And he got pretty violent when he drank." Ryder's eyes widened in both confusion and shock at Jake's story. Jake was..._abused?_ He couldn't believe it, Jake _never _showed it. He wasn't scared of people, he wasn't timid- he _was _quiet though, and he always looked like he was about to cry, and he had all these walls… Ryder couldn't help but feel like a bad friend for not having noticed sooner. "He would hit me and stuff… but the one who had it the worse was my mom. _The things he would do to her…"_ Ryder could tell Jake was holding back tears with his constant sniffling and blinking, but he ignored it, not wanting to make his friend feel uncomfortable- he was already pouring his heart out to him. "And some nights...when I would be in bed...he would come into my room and lay down with me. H-he would apologize for hurting me, and he would tell me how much he loved me… and he would..." Wait a minute...did Jake's dad...? Ryder watched Jake break down crying- he _knew_ what that felt like, he'd _been_ there.

"Shh, Jake, it's okay," he assured, a tear running down his own cheek for his friend's sake. "He's gone now..." Jake looked up at Ryder once his sobbing had subsided a bit, reaching up and wiping the tear from his friend's face.

"I-I know he's gone, but the memories are still there," he said in between sobs. "My mom knew about the hitting and stuff, b-but she was scared, and she didn't know what to do- I don't blame her. But she doesn't know that…" He bit his lip, taking a deep breath. "That he used to lay down with me, and he would touch me...and some nights… it went further…" he whispered, tears streaming down his face as he buried his head in his hands. If Ryder wasn't shocked already, he definitely was now.

"You mean he...?" he wrapped his arms around Jake once again, subconsciously pressing a few kisses to the top of his fuzzy little head a few times. A feeling of rage overcame him- _what he would do to kill that man._ " Jake...that's really horrible, and I'm truly sorry it happened to you- but cutting yourself isn't going to fix anything." Jake sighed against Ryder's chest.

"Ryder, I just…I don't know what else to do. If I tell anyone, they're not gonna listen, o-or they won't believe me, or they just won't care," he whispered, voice breaking throughout the sentence. "I saw how people reacted when you told everyone what happened to you…I just don't want to deal with that, and cutting...it replaces that a little- it takes some of the pain away." He let out a shaky breath. _"I'm pathetic..."_ Ryder shook his head fiercely, releasing his friend from the hug and looking him in the eyes.

"Jake, _you're not pathetic._ This is different than what happened to me- what happened to me was a _one time thing_- this happened to you for _9 years, _it's _so _much worse. Why can't you just accept that and…_get some help?_" he asked. He really didn't get it. "And the only reason Sam and Artie said that was because my babysitter was a_ girl_- your dad was a guy- that might somehow make it different." Ryder didn't argue against the cutting taking away pain, although he couldn't see how that was possible. "Can you make an agreement with me, Jake?" Jake looked down at the ground, then to his wrist, then back to Ryder, nodding slowly- he trusted Ryder, and he knew he wasn't going to hurt or humiliate him with this 'agreement.' "I'm not asking you to tell your mom yet, or Puck, or even Mr. Schue –since he likes ratting people out-" He smiled a little when Jake chuckled at that part, at least he could bring himself to laugh. "Can you at least just tell the glee club? They're your family, Jake…_they're _the ones that care about you- the ones that want you to be happy- I'll help you tell them- and if any of them have a problem with it, they'll have to go through me…" He looked down at Jake with a sad smile.

"But….but what if they all have a problem with it?" he asked cautiously "What if they look at me differently afterwards?" Ryder could see the fear in his eyes.

"Well if they do, that's too bad…but at least you have me," he said with a small smile as he wiped a tear from his friend's eye. Jake hugged his friend to him and sighed somewhat contentedly against his chest. He was so glad Ryder hadn't freaked out or made him tell someone…

"I promise I'm stopping tonight," he said confidently, sniffling afterwards and flashing his friend a convincing yet –Ryder could tell- fake smile. He knew Jake wasn't stopping tonight, and he knew he had more blades in his bathroom, but he didn't say anything. Trust was a key aspect to their friendship, and if Jake thought Ryder didn't trust him, then that would be ruined. He wasn't going to tell anyone about Jake cutting, and he wasn't going to force him to stop, but he was going to look out for him and make sure he was okay. Jake wanted to get better, Ryder knew that- and if baby steps were what it took for him to get there, baby steps were just what it was going to be.

He left Jake's apartment feeling great the next morning. He hated the fact that Jake was doing this to himself, but it just felt so good to _finally _understand that boy. He'd been trying to get into Jake Puckerman's head all year, and he'd finally done it. He knew Jake's secret, and no one else did- not even Marley.

He was the one fate had chosen to find out about Jake, and he was the one who was going to stand by him get through this, taking baby steps with him the entire way.

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**~I hope you all enjoyed my lil' story! It was a little bittersweet, I hope it wasn't unsatisfying.**

**I plan on possibly continuing this with Jyder to show Jake's journey dealing with his problems, while Ryder deals with his own problems, and the budding relationship the two have over the course of helping each other.**

**I also might continue with a split Spuck narrative that would start after Jake tells the glee club about the cutting and the molestation/child rape- Basically Sam wonders if this ever happened to Puck, and it turns out it did, and long story short Sam helps him out, and also some Puckerbros is intertwined into this.**

**Yeah…so tell me what you guys want! xD Tell me how you liked the story, and pretty much what you suggest I do with it.**

**Thanks for reading guys! Bai!**

**Review, favorite, follow, all that jazz~!**

**~Soren**


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